The person I interviewed wanted to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of the story.
by Tawsha Brinkley-Davenport
“When you first hear that word ‘cancer,’ a shock tears through your body. Especially if it was something you weren’t prepared to hear in the first place,” she said.
Her husband had been sick for a while; she had no idea what it was, nor had he. Looking back at it now, he probably had cancer for years.
But at the time, they thought it had only been a few months.
“I first noticed something was wrong when he had lost a lot of weight. He was always a tall, slim guy. He would have chills, be clammy, and have high fevers to 104.
He refused to go to the doctor and would just take over-the-counter Tylenol or ibuprofen. His mom would say, ‘Oh he just needs to rest, he is overworked,’” she said.
Her husband felt the same way as his mom.
At the time, her husband was working two stressful full-time jobs.
“Ever since I had met him in high school, he had worked constantly. It was the type of man he was. He wasn’t a man to sit around and not work. So, I knew something was wrong when he called in,” she said.
She took him to an emergency room. There, in the middle of the night at the ER, after so many months of the unknown, the couple had an answer.
“The doctor came in and looked at us both. ‘Well, you have stage 4 colon cancer, and it has spread to both of your lungs. You have a grapefruit-sized tumor in your right colon. It needs to be removed right away. You are being admitted.’ In a split second, my husband glanced at me with a slight smile. The breath was knocked out of me, and I burst into tears. And cried for the next week. I wasn’t strong; I didn’t know how to be. I didn’t know what to do or how to act around him. I went from being a wife and mom to his caretaker and a student of colon cancer and cancer in general,” she said.
She didn’t understand what all of the information was about being fed to her by the nurses, doctors, and specialists. Then the armchair doctors. All of the people who meant well with their “home remedies”.
“The towering information made my brain feel like it was about to burst open. I didn’t know how to stop crying. I knew I had to be strong, and I had to find what was best for him and not listen to anyone but a true specialist who knew what they were doing. We researched along with a family member and found the best team that my husband felt comfortable with. That is the most important part- finding a medical team that your person feels totally comfortable with. Then keep a positive attitude. Then block out all of the other noise, no matter what. Your loved one’s peace of mind becomes number one now, no one else’s,” she said.
That meant she also put all of his needs above her own and their children. She became last on the list of many. And she mentioned over the years she actually forgot what it meant to even be herself.
That was five years ago.
“During that time, I learned the answers to all my questions, and it was hard. I can’t say I became a strong person, but I became numb to the process of it all, sort of like a robot,” she said.
Together, the couple is still hanging in there. Her husband just completed his 35th chemo treatment. He has had radiation treatments, three lung surgeries, blood infusions, medicines, too many PET scans and CT scans to count.
“I can’t even remember how many trips to the ER or hospital. His colon surgery was successful, no colostomy bag, nothing like that. And the cancer has never returned anywhere in his abdominal area. It has remained stable in his lungs as long as he stays on the chemo,” she said.
Her husband has had his own ups and downs and mood swings, but for the most part, he has remained very positive.
“I can’t explain whether I am like other caregivers. But it is how I am. Yes, I worry constantly, and that never goes away. I stayed up for hours, trying to look for what we should be doing correctly. Sometimes of course, I have failed, sometimes not. Checking Google doctor for each test result, each cough, each oxygen level. Cleaned up things I remember cleaning up after a two-year-old. And after being married for so long, I learned how to be a college roommate again,” said.
For entertainment, the couple seeks out concerts on his bucket list and checks them off in between doctor office visits and hospital stays.
“I enjoy doing things like that with him. But then we return home. He becomes the patient again, and I the caretaker. He sleeps for days on his back, perhaps gets up a few times a day. I work, come home exhausted, clean what I can, do what I can for the kids, then him. Then I go into my room with my dog. He is on his sectional with his dog.
She mentioned there is nothing glamorous about being a caretaker. There is cleaning up bodily fluids, spills, being a maid, babysitting kids, homework, and football, all added to all the other things that you do. Packing and unpacking, lifting and driving.
“I live on the point of exhaustion. Sometimes, only three hours of sleep or four a night. The exhaustion is perhaps the worst. Sometimes it is just worry that keeps me awake. It would be nice to have a kind word every once in a while, but that doesn’t really exist when you don’t feel well. When someone doesn’t feel well, everyone knows,” she said.
One of the worst experiences she has had is when outside family members visit and interfere, and comment, ‘Well, you should be doing more’, when they don’t even help out with cleaning, shopping, or preparing a meal.
“This perhaps irritates me the most. I can really feel like passing out, and will receive a comment such as that. That is when those negative thoughts pop into your already overstimulated mind and ask, ‘just what exactly is the point of any of this?”
She said, “Then you remember those days when you were first dating. You hear that song in your mind, you both loved. You see that silly smile on his face. He reaches over and touches your hand, and you remember you are more than a caretaker. You are a wife, and this is love. You both will get through it. This is the face of cancer.
